Posts tagged Relationships

Randomness

I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to say here, I just felt a need to get some things out that are currently driving me up the wall.  I’ll start with the most current and also the biggest issue on my mind – Audrey.

What the hell is up with her?  She’s 26 but acts like a spoiled brat that’s maybe 12 at most.  If I’m not all lovey and calling her baby and other frankly vomit inducing crap 24/7 she goes all weird on me despite the fact she knows my situation and that one day I can be sort of ok and the next be really down.  I’ve not hidden anything from her, I’ve been open and honest so she either doesn’t understand or is choosing to ignore it.

I don’t want to go into specifics right now and I’ll just say that overall the things she does make me wonder if I should stick with it until she visits or call it off before it gets to that point.  I’ve got enough to deal with without having to wonder if she’s going to be all stroppy and childish.  The reason I’ve been given so far is that she doesn’t like to be serious and spends all day being serious at school / college / uni / whatever you want to call it.  That’s fair, right?  I’m not allowed to be serious or bring things up that might be a concern because it’d be serious, ooh no can’t have that!  In my usual bluntness I told her she has to grow up fast.  Time will tell huh?

Let’s see.. what else is bothering me?  I guess my overall apathy to everything and everyone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, at all.  I can’t force it because I end up being really snappy, sarcastic and anxiety turns to anger.  How do I deal with it?  Avoidance..  I’m *still* waiting for something to be sorted out with the various people supposedly helping me but yet again I’m forced to wait on other people.  The past two weeks where I had thought something was going to happen, nothing happened.  Why?  The guy who said I’m not fit for work was on holiday and nobody has dealt with it while he’s been away.  I don’t begrudge him a holiday but for crying out loud!  Couldn’t somebody else have done what was needed and written to my doctor in that time?  I’m so sick of waiting on other people where it’s out of my hands.  I feel like I’m permanently waiting and wasting my life away.  Good times..

Are lies ever ok?

I’ve been talking to someone lately and we seem to be getting along pretty well which is unusual for me.  Usually it will start of slow and stay that way for a while before any hint of getting along well comes along.  I’ve had plenty of crap in the past where I’ve let myself go fully into it and been burned for that so I’m trying to control how far I let myself go this time.  Due to impending death (tribunal on Monday 9th) I’m pretty highly strung right now and anxiety is playing a part in making me distance myself from everyone.  To their credit the person didn’t run away and I was glad about that thinking maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time.

Fast foward to tonight and while talking and on cam I can see them typing away like nobodies business and laughing but they weren’t talking to me so I asked what was funny and who they were talking to.  The answer?  “Noone” ….. I tried to let it go but couldn’t so I waited a few more minutes, saw more laughing and typing that wasn’t to me and I asked the same question.  Same answer.  Why lie?  You’re obviously talking to SOMEONE.  If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine, tell me that but DON’T lie to me.  You wondered if something was wrong, yeah… you lied.  I don’t care if it was nothing, you chose to lie and it made me so angry.  I don’t see there ever being a time where lying is ok, especially not to someone you claim to love.

What’s going to happen now?  I’ve got no idea.  I’m not going to apologise for being upset when the reason I’m upset is that you lied to me for whatever reason you might have.  What if it means it ends here too?  Then so be it.  I’m tired of being lied to, I don’t care if it was nothing.  If it really was nothing you could’ve told me, it isn’t like I’m constantly looking over your shoulder quizzing you ever second of the day.  If I was like that I might understand but I’m not.  Will it end?  I don’t know but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did and for what?  A stupid lie that was so obvious.  Did you forget I was watching your cam too as well as the other person you weren’t (no typo there) talking to?  Say whatever to me when I mention all this?  Yeah.. nice one.  Don’t expect me to magically have forgotten about this when you feel like talking to me again.

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