Posts tagged anxiety

Randomness

I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to say here, I just felt a need to get some things out that are currently driving me up the wall.  I’ll start with the most current and also the biggest issue on my mind – Audrey.

What the hell is up with her?  She’s 26 but acts like a spoiled brat that’s maybe 12 at most.  If I’m not all lovey and calling her baby and other frankly vomit inducing crap 24/7 she goes all weird on me despite the fact she knows my situation and that one day I can be sort of ok and the next be really down.  I’ve not hidden anything from her, I’ve been open and honest so she either doesn’t understand or is choosing to ignore it.

I don’t want to go into specifics right now and I’ll just say that overall the things she does make me wonder if I should stick with it until she visits or call it off before it gets to that point.  I’ve got enough to deal with without having to wonder if she’s going to be all stroppy and childish.  The reason I’ve been given so far is that she doesn’t like to be serious and spends all day being serious at school / college / uni / whatever you want to call it.  That’s fair, right?  I’m not allowed to be serious or bring things up that might be a concern because it’d be serious, ooh no can’t have that!  In my usual bluntness I told her she has to grow up fast.  Time will tell huh?

Let’s see.. what else is bothering me?  I guess my overall apathy to everything and everyone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, at all.  I can’t force it because I end up being really snappy, sarcastic and anxiety turns to anger.  How do I deal with it?  Avoidance..  I’m *still* waiting for something to be sorted out with the various people supposedly helping me but yet again I’m forced to wait on other people.  The past two weeks where I had thought something was going to happen, nothing happened.  Why?  The guy who said I’m not fit for work was on holiday and nobody has dealt with it while he’s been away.  I don’t begrudge him a holiday but for crying out loud!  Couldn’t somebody else have done what was needed and written to my doctor in that time?  I’m so sick of waiting on other people where it’s out of my hands.  I feel like I’m permanently waiting and wasting my life away.  Good times..

Mood swings

I’ve tried to avoid anything that might bring on a mood swing from situations to people to places.  For the most part I’ve managed to do it but there have been a few times when I can be around someone, anyone, and all they have to do is talk.  It doesn’t matter what it’s about or even if they’re talking to me, just talking can be enough to set off the feeling of rage and anger inside me.  I don’t always notice it but it’s definitely there and trying to figure out the reason behind it is proving more than a little difficult.

I know what the main root cause is, my anxiety and panic attacks, but I don’t know what it is in the situations that provokes the response.  I hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later because I don’t enjoy feeling that way and it’ll only take one slip for me to really fly off the handle and tear into someone.

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